oom for doc, kate, and esfir - kate's room upstairs in milliways

[scurlock]

[follows this]

She's peaceful.

Doc stays awake once Kate has fallen asleep, choosing to watch over her and keep 'guard' instead of getting his own rest. He's not particularly tired, even after not getting any sleep the night before thanks to the conversation with Bill. His mind is alert, and awake - yet his thoughts wander, and time passes without him really knowing how long it's been.

Approximately a half-hour after she's drifted off, he decides to fetch the tea he promised earlier. It won't take long to run downstairs and make a quick stop at Bar.

When he moves from the bed, he's careful not to jostle the mattress or make a sound as he pads across the room to the desk. He pens a note and leaves it beside the one from Esfir, just in case Kate wakes while he's gone:

Getting tea. I'll be right back. - J

He continues on through the room and unlocks the door without making a sound. The only noise that echoes faintly is the click of the door being unlocked, and then he steps into the hallway--




-- and nearly into Esfir.

A pause.




"Good timin' or what?"

Comments

[aimedforthemoon]

Still giggling, "You! My God, Katya, you're an outlaw."

[ikissdhimbck]

"S'what happens when you break th'law," she murmurs dryly.

[aimedforthemoon]

Esfir leans closer, still wildly entertained.

"Yes, my friend. You broke the law. You are on the run. You are no longer in polite society. Which means you will be called bitch. Whore. Cunt. And that...offends you?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She scowls.

"Y'know what offends me? Seein' men look at me like a little girl they can do with what they want. 'Cuz I can't possibly stand on my own, or take care'a myself, or make a good 'n proper decision! 'Cuz I need someone t'hold my hand, or I need t'check m'self and bow down at their feet, lest they dash me asunder! What would you have done, Fira? 'Cuz I really can't picture you kissin' ass while someone calls you a stupid little girl who don't know what her place is!"

[aimedforthemoon]

Bemused, "This is because you have no power over me. I can kiss ass when I have to. I wouldn't have gotten very far in my career if I couldn't. And if he had no power, I would have ignored him. Did he have any power over you, Katya? Any influence to say that you could lose your job at the stables?"

[ikissdhimbck]

"Weren't an issue with my job!" she snaps.

[aimedforthemoon]

"Then I fail to see why he should have offended you."

[ikissdhimbck]

"He ain't a good man!"

But Esfir already knows that; that much should be obvious. Kate places her palms flat on the tabletop and leans closer to her friend.

"He's the kind of person who just throws people away when they ain't got no usefulness for him no more. He dominates people, crushes them under his thumb, breaks their spirit, and kills 'em when there ain't nothin' left. An' what's worse? Is he thinks he's got every right in the world t'do this."

[aimedforthemoon]

"And...?"

[ikissdhimbck]

"You know how my daddy died?"

She sets her jaw, taking in a shallow breath.

"The man who kept the land beside us kept laborers. Slaves. He thought he could own whatever he wanted, whether it was game or crops on our land, or human bein's. And when my daddy stood up an' fought? They put a bullet in his heart, and paid off the sheriff t'call it an accident.

"When Trout Walker couldn't have me, he burned my school down and killed the man I loved, for no other reason than that Sam kissed me. That was enough t'brand me a witch, condemned by god and exiled from my home.

"I am damn tired of standin' aside and takin' it when bed men think they can get whatever they want, jus' 'cuz they got the power, or the money. I let them take my home from me -- twice. How much longer 'fore Ramon would'a wanted the same thing?


"Did I really have t'wait t'find out?"

[aimedforthemoon]

"Katya?







What are you doing? With your life?"

[ikissdhimbck]

"Survivin'."

[aimedforthemoon]

"Incorrect."

[ikissdhimbck]

She slams her hands down on the tabletop.



"Then why don't you tell me what I'm doin'?"

[aimedforthemoon]

"Promise me you'll listen."

[ikissdhimbck]

She puts her head in her hands and rubs her temples.





"I'm listenin'."

[aimedforthemoon]

"You don't know.

What you are doing, I mean.

If you were just surviving, you would not have gone after Ramon. You would have kept your head down. If you were as with this outlaw...thing as your changed speech would suggest, you would not have been offended his calling you a bitch. To me...you are angry. You are so angry, you are still lashing out and you haven't yet landed on the ground.

And you need to."

[ikissdhimbck]

There's a lull between them.



"You're damn right I'm angry."


She doesn't know what she's doing. She doesn't. But she'll be damned if she says so out loud right now. She's doing everything in her power to cling to that last strand of unraveling control.

She's terrified to think of what will happen if she loses her grip.

"I don't wanna just survive. I want there t'be a... point. There's gotta be a reason why."

[aimedforthemoon]

"So, you need to step back, and think about it."

[ikissdhimbck]

Kate absorbs this quietly, eyes cast down.

[aimedforthemoon]

"What you keep saying to me is what you are worried about is social justice. It's a good thing to get passionate about. And as an outlaw, you do have more freedom than as an upper-class teacher. But it also means that you cannot just run around and kill people and steal from them.

I do not want you to give up this passion, but...you need to discipline it. Otherwise, it...it would be like me getting into my A-wing, and getting angry at an Imperial fighter for daring to fight me, so I just tear off without my unit. And I promptly get exploded into little pieces. You have to stop being so sensitive.

You are not...you are not that respectable schoolteacher and daughter of a landowner. You are now in a world where you have to earn respect. And you have to earn it from men who aren't like Doc or Ben. Not everyone is going to be a gentleman just because you have breasts.

And you have to accept that, and grow up, so you don't fly off the handle everytime a cocky man calls you a bitch.

You...You also need to think about ways of doing things. Do you rob the bank if it is not insured? Who do you go after, the farmers or the rich men in their houses? Maybe...maybe you listen to rumours - ah, that town, they are corrupt, they are bad, I go after them. Yes?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She's quiet for another long spell before she picks her head up out of her hands, running her fingers through her hair in agitation.

you cannot just run around and kill people and steal from them

When it's put in that light, it almost makes her sick to her stomach. Is that what she's doing? She wasn't looking for a fight with Ramon; he brought one to her. But Esfir's point is that she didn't have to take the bait.

you cannot just run around and kill people and steal from them


She stares off at some distant point across the room, nodding as Esfir speaks.

You are not the respectable schoolteacher.

You are not the daughter of a landowner.

What are you?

(Monster.)

Who are you?

(You have to grow up.)

you cannot just run around and kill people and steal from them

"Right."

Her eyes fall to the floor. She hugs her arms around herself, and nods again.

[aimedforthemoon]

"Katya, talk to me."

[ikissdhimbck]

"I ain't sure what t'say, Fira."

[aimedforthemoon]

"There isn't a script," she offers, not unsympathetically. "I'm not telling you to stop. I'm telling you that, if you are going to go down this path, to get discipline. And to have an idea of what you are doing, instead of just...being tossed around by other people. But...talk to me."